The Body Cavity Search

It’s D-day, time to head off on my new adventure to New York to become a chef.  I wake up at 4:45am from a restless night’s sleep.  I stagger into the shower and let the cold morning water wake me up.  It’s Wednesday so of course it’s “shave” day.  Surprisingly there aren’t any nicks or cuts, this could be a good day.  I get to the airport on time, only one person in line ahead of me, line karma!
  A very nice lady checks me in at the counter and proceeds to inform me that my seats have been upgraded!  This is going to be a great day!  I make it through security and immigration without a hitch, board the plane, get comfortable up front and away I go.  The flight was pleasant enough, no turbulence, prompt drink service, somewhat attractive flight attendant as far as AA standards go.
An hour later I’m landing in Miami.  I tend to expect the worse when arriving at Miami immigration; usually I get stuck behind a flight from South America or somewhere in Europe.  But today was different.  The place was practically empty.  I managed to get in a line with just 4 people in front of me, all of which could speak English.  It was my turn in no time.  I wasn’t sure what to expect as I was traveling on a student visa for the first time in 14 years.  The experience was pleasant enough.  It took a little bit longer than usual as the immigration office had to fill out my I-20 but I got through without incident. 
Next it was off to pick up my baggage.  My 2 very large bags!  Apparently going away to school for 6 months requires me to pack everything I own.  Jeans, Polo’s, suit, rain jacket, sweater, heavier sweater, computer, external hard drives, camera, tripod, fishing gear, jumper cables and pillows (I’m there for 6 months, I need my pillows).
The display says carousel 4 for the Grand Cayman flight.  Nothing’s happening yet, I see a few people from my flight mulling around.  After about 10 minutes I start looking around,  I can also see a few people from my flight way down a carousel 8, I might as well go down and have a look.  At carousel 8 I ask someone I know what they are doing down here.  Apparently when they came down there was an announcement that our flight was moved to this carousel.   The display didn’t say Cayman but I decided to hang around there chatting as carousel 4 wasn’t moving yet either.  20 minutes later still no movement from either 4 or 8.  Eventually we hear an announcement that in fact the Cayman flight is on 8.  The rest of the people hanging around 4 make their way over to 8.  The carousel starts moving and everyone gets excited.  It’s a wonder how the sight of a silver conveyor belt going around in a circle can get the juices flowing.  Unfortunately this majestical belt stayed empty for the next 10 minutes.  Announcement time again, “AA flight 1764 from Grand Cayman baggage now arriving on carousel 7”.
I finally get my bags and proceed to customs.  Now being the law abiding person that I am I have declared that I am carrying more than $10000 (tuition).   At the first customs checkpoint I am directed to follow the “red” dots.  Not the “red” dots!!  I always follow the “green” dots.  After waiting in another line for 10 minutes I finally speak to a customs office.  He asks me how much money I have and why.  I explain that I’m going to school and it’s my tuition.  He takes my passport and walks off, typing god know what into a computer a few feet away.  He then shows my passport to what I assume is a supervisor.  They chat for while, every few seconds glancing over to my way.  Eventually he returns with a large form for me to fill out.  By this time I’m getting worried as it is now 40 minutes until my connection departs.  Anyway, I fill out the form as quickly as possible and hand it back to the officer.  He asks me if the amount I declared is all in cash.  I tell him that most of it is in a bank draft and just a small amount is in cash.  Apparently this causes concern and back over to his supervisor he goes.  Again with the whispering and the frequent gazing at me.  When he returns I am informed that I have to fill out the form again this time splitting up the forms of monetary instruments.  I fill out the form again this time making sure everything is to his liking.  He looks it over, picks up the form,  hands me back my passport and walks away without a word.  Back at the computer terminal he’s typing away, hopefully I can go soon and make my connection.  The next thing that happened was very strange, without a word he walks in front of me, out of the inspection area and through a door marked restricted.  Oh shit, was he going for an even higher supervisor!?  This is it, start relaxing those butt cheeks.  Time goes by and no sign of the officer’s return, all the while it’s getting closer to my departure time.  I keep looking at the door, waiting for him to come out and direct me to the “inspection” room.  I’m just standing there at the counter, wondering what to do.  I’ve had enough, I’m going to miss my flight, another office walks by my direction and I get his attention.  “What’s happening?  The officer that was attending to me has disappeared and I really need to catch my flight”?  “Did he give you back your passport” was the reply.  “yes”, “well you can go”.  Mother Fu$kers!!!  All this time I could have left!  The asshole just walked by me and left without saying a word!  I hope he chokes on his lunch.